I found this online, and decided to try it.
I was standing at the harbour. Watching the raindrops landing on the water. Looking at the small ripples caused by each drop. Fiew seconds latter, there are no trace of it. Like it was never there.
I was thinking about something I read. A quote “My life is a struggle between my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, and a desire to not care at all.”
It was the most accurate thing I have ever heard or read.
Life would be so much easier if I just wouldn’t care about anything.
I recently saw an old friend and after we went our own way I started thinking about something. A thing that has made me wonder many times. We were talking and promised to keep in touch. Another thing was years ago when my friend promised to fly out to birmingham and visit me. Well that never happend. It has go on forever. Every time I see someone I haven’t seen for ages we make plans that will never go through. Why do we ever make these promises? We know that we probably never hold up on them.
Another thing is smalltalk. We have these standard questions we ask from people we havent seen in ages. How are you? What have you been doing? and so on. But do we really care or do we just ask them to avoid that awkward silence. And we end up talking about things which later turnes out to be not really good subjects. I mean today for example later I thought about why did I mentioned sertain things.
With the person I met today I had this strange feeling inside. Like this nervous feeling or that I am about to vomit feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice seeing him and talking and stuff. And probably I woun’t see him ages again. But still. Don’t know where it came from. Well, maybe I do, but nothing I want to talk about right now. It’s complicated.
Anyway, for once, I would like for someone to keep that promise and have that keep in touch thing.
Deciding who you want to be is something every artist needs to decide. If you want to be one of those who everybody knows or the one only few know and like. It is a difficult decision. On one side people would know who you are and they know what you do. They know your creation and maybe even can tell if something is made by you. Or only the ones that really admire art or books knows you.
I, myself, don’t really care. I just want to do my thing. It makes me really happy if there is even one person who likes what I do. For me it is the only way I can make something that is really me. Otherwise I might start trying to do things that others like. So my thing would be dictated by others.
There has been several times in my life where I haven’t trusted my cut feeling about someone. One was when I lived in UK and met this girl. The first time when I saw her, I had this feeling about her. It was like a little warning, keep her away from yourself. Or at least don’t trust her, she is trouble. But since I wanted to give everyone a chance. Going into a friendship with no prejudice. Thats why I made up my mind, don’t listen to that little voice inside my head. And since it seemed like everyone else liked her I thought maybe that voice is wrong anyway.
At some point we got a long quite well, and I thought that it was a good thing I didn’t listen to that feeling. But then things started to change. Maybe she started feeling comfortable around me and her real self came out. By now we haven’t spoken in months, but I heard that she was spreading rumors about me. Which were completely far from any truth. And otherwise I wouldn’t care, but the fact that I am not there anymore and can’t defend myself makes me mad. I don’t know who she has talked to and if those people believe her. I actually shouldn’t care really, those who were my true friends should know me and know the truth or at least they would contact me and ask me themselves.
I have learned that you should always trust your first thoughts. Because these end up being the right ones. If I had trusted my instincts about this girl maybe she wouldn’t be spreading rumors about me. Or maybe she still would, maybe its someone she is. And nothing would have changed that. But then maybe I wouldn’t feel betrayed by her. I mean I thought we got a long with eachother quite well.
Other thing is that I let people use me. And I need someone to tell me that. Once my sister even did. But then I didn’t listen to her. I have the happit of becoming blind in these cases. I, for some reason, can’t believe someone can be so mean. I mean, I don’t think someone, who I am considering a friend, could just use me. But sometimes after I have lost contact with someone, I realise that they, in fact, did use me. And perhaps I wasn’t as good friends with them as I thought.
Overthinking situations is one of my curses. When someone doesn’t contact me for a while, I start thinking about how that person really doesn’t like me. That I am annoying them. That, if they could, they would talk to me at all. So thats when I try to find someone with a normal mind, to talk about that. I need someone to tell me that I overthink. That maybe the person is busy and don’t have time. And in my mind I know that’s the case. But my heart doesn’t get it. At all.
I love the moon
It is the most beaudiful thing I have ever seen.
It has that mistery about it, you don’t really know what it is, but thats he point.
Watching it with all these stars around it, is something that helps me to get my head sorted.
The moon has been there forever and will be there after we all are gone.
I wonder how many people have walked alone in a forest, with only moon lighting the way. The type of light that makes you feel calm and peace.
How many people have told their secrets to the moon and how many will do that in the future.
Does the moon get lonely sometimes?
Or are the stars all he/she needs.
Something that sparkles but doesn’t shine as bright.
Does the moon like to be at the centre of that night life, or is that something like there is no choice.
The moon is the closest thing to magic I have ever experienced.
My alarm rang. Is it really time to start getting ready for work. I couldn’t believe that I haven’t slept at all. It was so hot and even though my window is open, no air came through. So the entire night was wasted trying to find a good position to sleep in. But whatever I did, it was still hot. At one point I felt like peeling my skin off, just like you do with a banana or an orange. But it is not possible.
I watched the hours go by and with morning getting closer I got more angry at myself, for not being able to get myself to fall a sleep. Do I really have no self control?
I came out of my bed, trying to find whatever was suitable to ware at work. Finally I got downstairs and after pushing myself to wash my teeth I went and made myself breakfest. Oatmeal. But I could only take fiew pites. I was feeling so sick that I wasn’t able to eat.
When I was sure I had everything I needed. I started walking to a train station. My eyes were hurting and they were tired. Every blink made me feel that pain even more. And after a sat down in a train things started to get worse. My head was so heavy and thick I could barely move it without feeling like it was the hardest thing ever. My limbs felt like jelly. So I just sat there and tried to make sure I didn’t fall a sleep and miss my stop.
I was at work for eight and a half hours. The longest day I have ever had. The time was just dragging. It was like a chewing gum. When I finally was able to go home, thats when I got some energy. I think it was because I was too tired and thats when some magical energy comes. When I get to bed though, I fall a sleep momentarilly .I sleep like a baby then.
Now I am about to fall a sleep again and I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day.